I’m type of spoiling my evaluation somewhat right here within the publish title sooooo I suppose let’s simply get into it, we could?
My evaluation of this fucking SugarBee “apple,” purchased at I dunno some grocery retailer, possibly Sprouts, I neglect, early-November:
This apple was an actual piece of shit.
I’m sorry! I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
Okay, look.
I don’t know if that is actually, legitimately the worst apple I’ve eaten all yr. Okay? I don’t know that. This shit isn’t science. I give it a flowery quantity rating as if to make you consider that is math someway, nevertheless it’s not math, it’s simply me taking a dart made from my feelings and throwing it at a map of the web. Giving it a quantity makes it really feel like an official, goal accounting however in actuality, however principally that quantity is only a intestine verify feeling and displays whether or not I’m blissful or unhappy or meh or, on this case, indignant inside my mouth.
Now, I do know a few of you genuinely like this apple.
That’s okay! You ought to be allowed to love issues, even if you happen to liking these issues makes me suppose someway your tongue is damaged, or that maybe your mind has been chewed upon and thru by some type of weevil. It’s high-quality! You’re high-quality! We’re high-quality. Extra SugarBee apples for you, pal! Much less for me as a result of I don’t wish to eat poison!
As a result of that’s what it type of tasted like.
It tasted like this:
You took a rose.
You sprayed that rose with wasp spray.
You muddled that rose in a mixing glass with a pair cubes of brown sugar.
You poured cider over it, strained it, and made me drink it.
After which the aftertaste was like if you happen to dipped a cantaloupe* in MSG — I used to be abruptly assaulted by this bizarre savory umami goblin that lingered and lingered, clinging to my tastebuds and I do not know why.
It was juicy! It was candy! Not tart in any respect, not even within the slightest! What a pleasant crunch! Wow is that the piquant effervescence of RoundUp blended with grandmother’s fragrance? Oh my!
Critically, I don’t know what occurred right here, nevertheless it fought my tongue like an indignant swordfish on the road. One assumes this horrible fuckface of an apple is just not emblematic of all SugarBee apples — I’ve had one among these earlier than and recall not notably liking it, pondering it was a dullard’s apple for kids and solely kids, however I don’t recall the “pesticide and bizarre melon” style. I’m nearly tempted to purchase one other one from a special retailer simply to see, however I’ll not hate myself that dangerous. I even peeled this one to see, and it didn’t repair the issue, by no means. It insisted, then continued.
Anyway. This was dangerous and bizarre and the style stayed on my tongue just like the odor of a useless rat within the partitions. It was fucking horrible fuck this fucking apple.
I’m going 1.1 out of 10, which is truthfully gracious, however I’m making an attempt to provide it some small credit score for the juicy crunch it gave.
SugarBee: Like a rose dipped in wasp spray and sugar
Opinions in 2025: Honeycrisp, Sweetie, Crimson Crisp, Knobbed Russet, Cortland, Maiden’s Blush, Cox’s Orange Pippin, Reine des Reinettes, Ingrid Marie, Hudson’s Golden Gem, Holstein, Suncrisp, Ashmead’s Kernel, Opalescent, Orleans Reinette, Black Gilliflower, Purple Scrumptious Double Function, Jonathan, Ruby Mac, Crimson Topaz, Esopus Spitzenburg, Mutsu, Hunnyz, Winesap, Stayman Winesap, Winter Banana, Ribston Pippin, Rhode Island Greening, Roxbury Russet, Opal, Cosmic Crisp, Black Oxford, Ananas Reinette
* by the best way, fuck melons, melons are additionally items of shit and may get fucked, throw all of the melons out, put them in some type of area trebuchet and launch these shitdicks to the fucking moon, the moon will be for melons, melons for the cave-dwelling moon individuals, I’m sorry if you happen to like melons** however on this case you’re unsuitable and have been duped by maybe nostalgia or aliens or these weevils I used to be speaking about earlier
** watermelons are type of okay
Leave a Reply