This isn’t a overview of the work or the lifetime of actor and rapper Ludacris, aka Christopher Brian Bridges. It’s also not a overview of the apple referred to as Ludicrisp, which is a special (and higher, and I imagine earlier-in-origin) apple developed by North Star Orchard. This isn’t a linguistic examination of the phrase “ludicrous” however it’s, in some ways, a overview of a really ludicrous apple, an apple whose spelling is extra in keeping with the rapper, much less in keeping with the phrase, not like the North Star model, which is extra in keeping with the phrase and fewer in keeping with the rapper, which is to say, this complete scenario is ludicrous, and we now have maybe achieved most ludicrousness. What I imply to say is, this can be a overview of an apple referred to as Ludacrisp.

It’s also value noting that we’re once more again within the territory of “apples that exist to be The Subsequent Honeycrisp,” however when you’re not a reader of apple information (not Apple information, however actually information about apples), you might need missed that The Subsequent Honeycrisp is principally… HONEYCRISP 2.

2 HONEY 2 CRISP

THE HONEY AND THE CRISP

HONEY 2: JUICY CRISPALOO.

Ahem. What I imply to say is, the exact same Minnesota builders of the unique Honeycrisp are quickly to supply an apple that’s been in improvement for years — a “sequel” to Honeycrisp referred to as the SuperSnap. Which is an inferior title, let me inform you — it appears like a patent for some form of PANTS CLASP, or a KITCHEN STORAGE DEVICE. One thing Billy Mays, relaxation in peace, is likely to be pitching me from the foggy depths of Pitchman Heaven. Truthfully, I feel like with all sequels, it’s important to go greater along with your Honeycrisp sequel — so that you wanna go sweeter than honey, and extra textured than crispy. Upping crisp is simple: crunch. Upping honey, , I feel you gotta go huge, and Guinness tells me the sweetest substance recognized to man is one thing referred to as thaumatin, which is 3000x instances sweeter than sugar, so there’s your new apple title, guys:

THAUMACRUNCH

Sounds superior. Metallic. Cursed. Haunted. Mega Hell Candy. Yeah.

That stated, buried within the article in regards to the HONEYCRISP 2 is that the developer additionally has an upcoming apple referred to as Massive Flirt, and fuck me, I need to strive a Massive Flirt apple. Seems like a randy trucker’s title title. “Oh that there, that’s Earl, however we simply name him BIG FLIRT on account of him being a BIG OL HORNY BEAR. Go on and provides ‘at boy slightly kiss.”

Anyway.

Let’s overview this fucking apple.

My overview of a Ludacrisp apple, from Sprouts, late Nov:

This apple is, because the title inadvertently suggests, ludicrous.

It’s, at the beginning, the densest apple I could have ever eaten. It was like making an attempt to chew right into a pirate’s cannonball. All iron.

Then, when your weak human tooth lastly handle to puncture its armor, it’s one of many juiciest apples of the yr.

Then, as you masticate this cussed motherfucker, there’s a panoply of loopy tastes that enter into the equation, it’s like, growth, soursop, tangerine, tamarind, roses.

You chew that for some time.

Then some time longer.

Then you definitely preserve chewing as a result of because it seems, consuming certainly one of these is a fucking marriage. You dedicated. You stated the oaths. You’ll at all times be consuming this apple, and it’ll at all times be consuming you.

Lastly, the pores and skin lingers within the mouth and provides a… properly, a simply barely fishy and bitter aftertaste. A style that’s patently not-present within the flesh.

Perhaps that’s just a few bizarre pesticide! Who can say! (I do wash my apples earlier than consuming them, to be clear.)

What I can say is, this apple is an entire journey. It’s lots of work. It’s lots of time. It’s form of like that nightmare Willy Wonka Chocolate Manufacturing facility journey down the hallucinatory log flume.

Query is, did I prefer it?

Not… precisely?

However I respect it. It’s obtained moxie, by god.

In order that will get it a 6.3, which is a bizarre quantity, and the apple deserves a bizarre quantity. (I’ll word right here that I did make these into applesauce after and it was a really weird applesauce. Not unhealthy, however off-kilter. Like applesauce from one other universe.)

I eat the apple right here.

Ludacrisp: Moxie-fueled fruit insanity set to Ludicrous Pace

Critiques in 2025: Honeycrisp, Sweetie, Crimson Crisp, Knobbed Russet, Cortland, Maiden’s Blush, Cox’s Orange Pippin, Reine des Reinettes, Ingrid Marie, Hudson’s Golden Gem, Holstein, Suncrisp, Ashmead’s Kernel, Opalescent, Orleans Reinette, Black Gilliflower, Crimson Scrumptious Double Characteristic, Jonathan, Ruby Mac, Crimson Topaz, Esopus Spitzenburg, Mutsu, Hunnyz, Winesap, Stayman Winesap, Winter Banana, Ribston Pippin, Rhode Island Greening, Roxbury Russet, Opal, Cosmic Crisp, Black Oxford, Ananas Reinette, Sugarbee, Granny Smith, LucyGlo/LucyRose