So right here’s the place we’re at in APPLETOWN — I’ve nonetheless acquired a half-dozen or so critiques to fireside off right here, although for many of them I’ve executed movies over at Instagram. And I’m hoping to get a pair extra apples but from the native orchard (their Goldrush was working weirdly late this 12 months), and I’ll additionally most likely scurry in regards to the grocery retailer like a bizarre apple-eating spider to see if I can decide up any varieties I’ve but to evaluation right here.

That stated, for essentially the most half, I’ll most likely skip the pontificating preamble for many of those and simply bounce proper into the evaluation. It’s the vacations, I’m busy, you’re busy, and October was heavy on the apple content material, so I believe there’s a value-add in me simply slicing to the fucking chase and throwing my apple critiques at your face. Which rhymes. I’m an apple poet; grapple with my professional wit. Growth. Drop the mic. On my foot. Why did I drop the mic. That was a nasty thought. Oh god what did I do to my toe. Errors have been made. I ought to persist with consuming apples, no extra of this silly rhyming enterprise.

All proper.

At the moment, we’ve a two-fer —

Two apples that blush from the within, with pinkish-reddish flesh — that, because of the anthocyanins contained in the apple, which is usually a perform of the apple selection, but additionally goosed by publicity to the solar, and additional, elevated by what number of human sacrifices you’ve gotten laid on the base of the tree whereas wassailing the orchard in historical track and apple hymn.

How do these two APPLE SIBLINGS examine?

My evaluation of a Lucy Rose from Sprouts, early December:

My reminiscence of this apple was that, because the title suggests, it was very very rose-forward. However the apple I ate now was no such factor.

The truth is, the flavour of this apple can be “long-chewed bubblegum.”

The chew was, up entrance, extremely, profoundly juicy — I hesitate to be bizarre and gross and name this apple a squirter, however I’m going to go forward and do it anyway as a result of truthfully, if I’m not just a little bizarre and just a little gross, who even am I? However critically, the juice from this factor was unparalleled — a drippy apple, salivating a lot I believe its form was desirous to be eaten.

(Severely, watch the video when you don’t imagine me.)

Drawback is, the juice is… watery. There’s not lots of there there. The pores and skin was robust. The floral bubblegum taste pale so quick I’m unsure it was ever there. It often flirted with the style of pennies, which made me suppose I’d bitten my lip or one thing whereas consuming it? The crunch was admitted satisfying — like biting into the cranium of a long-held foe. However the meh taste coupled with a protracted chew and a bizarre aftertaste made this much less enjoyable for me.

Oh! Oh, and it’s purported to be all purple and superior inside but it surely was principally white with like, mild stains of pink, which makes it look organic. Like one thing you’ll pull out of a medical waste bin.

Not nice. Let’s go 2.0 and name it a day.

(By the way in which, I do know my photograph there kind of sucks. Which matches the apple! As a result of the apple additionally sucked! Parity and parallel construction, child.)

Lucy Rose: Pre-chewed bubblegum, but alarmingly moist

My evaluation of a Lucy Glo from Sprouts, late November:

So, the Lucy Rose sucked.

Presumably, the Lucy Glo additionally sucks?

WELL, YOU’D BE WRONG. It’s just like the saying goes:

IF YOU PRESUMABLY YOU MAKE A PRES OUT OF U AND MABLY.

I imply, I believe the’s the saying? No matter.

So — the Lucy Glo stands in stark distinction to her far weaker sister.

What I discovered right here was a refreshing pink lemonade-tasting, raw-red-innarded, Lemonheads-sour apple with a cider vinegar tingle within the throat — it was just a little crunchy however simply the correct of sentimental the place the flesh begins sturdy however then rapidly goes cotton sweet, not lingering longly within the mouth. The flavour goes down with the ship, which is what you need with any apple.

It’s extra bitter than candy, and I believe extra sweet bitter than citrus bitter?

However it’s nice! Actually nice. Solely factor to ding it, I believe, was there was a papery end and aftertaste to it — it’s just like the style in my espresso if I don’t rinse the brown paper filters earlier than hand, that paper style carries over. Besides right here, no paper existed, but it surely nonetheless tastes that approach.

Actually a shocking grocery retailer apple, and although the surface is middlingly ugly (sort of a sicky-blush), the within was pink-red-pretty. The sort of innards a serial killer would admire, most likely.

Let’s name it a 7.9 — allllllmost an 8, however simply shy.

Behold me chomping on the apple.

Lucy Glo: The superior Lucy, tastes of Lemonheads, with flesh that might attraction to Hannibal Lecter most likely

Critiques in 2025: Honeycrisp, Sweetie, Crimson Crisp, Knobbed Russet, Cortland, Maiden’s Blush, Cox’s Orange Pippin, Reine des Reinettes, Ingrid Marie, Hudson’s Golden Gem, Holstein, Suncrisp, Ashmead’s Kernel, Opalescent, Orleans Reinette, Black Gilliflower, Purple Scrumptious Double Characteristic, Jonathan, Ruby Mac, Crimson Topaz, Esopus Spitzenburg, Mutsu, Hunnyz, Winesap, Stayman Winesap, Winter Banana, Ribston Pippin, Rhode Island Greening, Roxbury Russet, Opal, Cosmic Crisp, Black Oxford, Ananas Reinette, Sugarbee, Granny Smith