To speak about this apple, we first discuss different apples.

Let’s discuss in regards to the Black Diamond apple, as a result of I get despatched this each every so often — a meme goes round, like this one —

Or this proper right here —

And everybody goes ooh and ahhh and so they’re like WOW BLACK APPLES HOLY CRAP, THESE ARE CLEARLY THE DEVIL’S APPLES, I WANT SOME, however I believe there’s just a few issues to notice right here.

First, shit you see on the Web is and has usually been bullshit, and that was true earlier than AI acquired its uncanny fangs into our on-line realities, and at this level you need to be more and more skeptical of most stuff you learn — truthfully, I may not even be actual. I’m doubting my very own existence!

Second, often issues that sound too good or too excessive to be true usually are too good or too excessive to be true, as a result of few issues are that good or that excessive. Most issues are within the bell of the curve, not the sides.

Third, issues that appear designed to be unfold — to be memeified, or to go viral — are additionally usually, say it with me, bullshit. If it’s a brief punchy piece of cool data in a neat little sq., it needs to be shared — or extra to the purpose, it means somebody needs you to share it. They need you to fertilize the world with horseshit.

(It’s why proper now you possibly can go on Fb and see shitloads of individuals — of all ages, amongst individuals you actually know and belief — spreading unsourced unlinked issues with obviously-AI photographs, as a result of these items make them really feel good, or really feel mad, or really feel marvel, or really feel one thing something in any respect. By no means thoughts the truth that it’s very simple to examine the fact of the claims they’re reposting — even with enshittified Google. By no means thoughts that once you inform them it’s AI, they’re like, “that’s okay, as a result of I prefer it anyway.”)

So, then, the Black Diamond apples.

That meme above isn’t the one one I get — typically it’s different images, typically it notes that these are like, sacred apples grown in Tibet and so they had been discovered within the Buddha’s personal peaceable armpits or what-not and they’re so wholesome they’re principally magic they treatment dangerous pores and skin dangerous hair dangerous breath dangerous most cancers — aaaaand you recognize, this simply isn’t actuality, so far as I can inform.

It looks like:

a) the Black Diamond is an actual apple

b) it’s only a regular, possibly not even that nice, apple, very reddish-purple, nonetheless cool, not black, designed extra to be pleasant in a present field than within the mouth, and doubtlessly Photoshopped to look darker and extra spectacular

(I’ve seen them in comparison with Crimson Scrumptious apples, soooooo. Yeah.)

(If you need some inside baseball chatter about it — this thread, right here.)

The humorous factor is, we even have apples proper right here that are likely to develop fairly darkish. That is only a regular-ass Crimson Scrumptious I purchased some years in the past at a grocery retailer — it’s not black, nevertheless it’s positively the colour of, um, a blood-spattered ruby slipper, wouldn’t you say?

The picture on the fore of this put up is the topic of this evaluate, the Black Oxford — and I took a shot from one other angle, and you may see from that angle the purpleyness (not a phrase) is heightened —

Or there’s the Arkansas Black, as effectively. I’m positive there are others, in addition. Heck, the Blue Pearmain — which I regrettably didn’t get any of this season! — actually has a blue hue to it as a result of dusty blueish bloom upon its pores and skin. (I’ve no thought what that “bloom” is — if anyone is aware of, drop a remark.)

Anyway — working example, the Web is usually filled with shit, but in addition, there’s usually precise true issues which might be simply as cool because the bullshit you discover on-line.

All that being stated? Let’s evaluate this fuckin’ apple.

My evaluate of a Scott Farm (VT) Black Oxford apple, early-Nov:

This apple is a lightless void. Its pores and skin is the Homeric winedark sea, and its flesh is as dense as a collapsed star. It’s a heavy apple. You possibly can knock a toddler’s head off with this factor. I imply, don’t! Don’t try this! However you might.

The pores and skin is considerably forbidding, however not terribly so. The flesh actually is dense, which lends itself to a diligent chew — you’re gonna must CHAW down on this factor, so in case your CHOMPERS ARE WEAK, this apple goes to let you know to get fucked. No unhappy tender tooth for this apple. You gotta have a rock-tumbler mouth to eat this apple proper-like.

The style is —

Actually, it’s fairly wild.

It’s extra candy than tart, however there’s a tart tang in there. I believe the sweetness, although, will get fairly attention-grabbing — my first thought was, “This tastes like black cherry soda,” after which my second thought was, “That’s flawed, this tastes like Dr. Pepper.” And it does. The herbaceous-spice vanilla prune cherry captured-ghost corn syrup weirdness of DOC PEP is within the flesh of this apple.

There’s a darkness within the coronary heart of this apple, however the darkness is just not Satanic or Luciferan — it’s not there to purchase your soul at a crossroads at midnight, nay. The darkness is the darkness of the night time sky, the darkness of decreased cherry juice, the darkness of a ruby Port.

Possibly just one or two demons in there.

It’s good. It’s fairly. It’s tasty. Go get one.

I really feel like we are able to name this a strong 8.2 outta 10.

I eat it right here. Wendigo mukbang, child.

Black Oxford: Cheerful Goth child who loves Dr. Pepper

Opinions in 2025: Honeycrisp, Sweetie, Crimson Crisp, Knobbed Russet, Cortland, Maiden’s Blush, Cox’s Orange Pippin, Reine des Reinettes, Ingrid Marie, Hudson’s Golden Gem, Holstein, Suncrisp, Ashmead’s Kernel, Opalescent, Orleans Reinette, Black Gilliflower, Crimson Scrumptious Double Characteristic, Jonathan, Ruby Mac, Crimson Topaz, Esopus Spitzenburg, Mutsu, Hunnyz, Winesap, Stayman Winesap, Winter Banana, Ribston Pippin, Rhode Island Greening, Roxbury Russet, Opal, Cosmic Crisp