BEHOLD: A WILD (twist) APPLE APPEARS. However first: a short digression about agricultural-industrial apple storage!

Do you know that the explanation we get apples (and ostensibly lots of different fruits and veggies) year-round, means exterior their harvest interval, is due to the magic of commercial agriculture? An apple will get picked after which is preserved in its present state by means of magic, which is to say the apple is fastened by the gaze of a cruel god, positioned upon an accursed altar manufactured from wyvern bones rimed with hoarfrost, after which insulted endlessly by a gamboling satyr-like determine often known as the Apple Jimby, and it’s these depraved insults and cursed configuration that retains an apple fastened supernaturally within the state the place it might probably nonetheless be eaten recent months later.

*receives a word*

Okay by no means thoughts, it’s apparently one thing known as “science” the place they put the apples in “managed ambiance” (CA) storage rooms, the place the apples are “put to sleep” by “gases” and “temperature.” No matter. I used to be instructed it was the god and the Apple Jimby wyvern insult factor.

You possibly can examine apple storage right here. It’s really pretty neat — and in addition fascinating that every apple can’t simply be saved the identical means because the apple subsequent door to it. They’re every valuable apple snowflakes and should be tamed and happy in line with their capricious apple whims.

I’m additionally to know that the way in which apples really lose their character isn’t on this storage however slightly, as soon as they’re out of it — taken out of managed storage, loaded onto vehicles or trains or, I prefer to assume, a military of Massive Ag Hovercrafts, left in grocery retailer bins for a lot too lengthy. And that’s the place apples get outdated and peculiar and lose the factor that makes them what they’re, and it’s why you find yourself with mushy, meh, mediocre lumps — the ghost of fine fruit slightly than good fruit itself.

All proper. Onto the evaluation.

My evaluation of a Wild Twist apple, from Large grocery, late-Jan:

Two “wild twists” relating to this apple come to thoughts —

First, that it was as soon as often known as the Candy Cheeks apple, which is a puzzling and vaguely-porny identify, and I’m fascinated by how anybody thought that was a great identify for an apple, as a result of it’s a horrible identify for an apple, but additionally by some means an superb identify for an apple. Particularly should you have been desiring to cat-call the apple on the streets of Appletown, like a bizarre apple creeper.

Second, that for an apple as soon as named SWEET CHEEKS and now named WILD TWIST, the apple is alarmingly mid.

It’s crunchy, not crisp. It’s reasonably juicy. It’s extremely candy, with minimal tartness detected. The cheeks, they’re candy, and nothing else past that. Its style is, you understand, apple. There’s zero complexity afoot. It’s simply such a dullard’s apple. I don’t hate it! It’s superb! Completely superb! I’d eat one should you gave it to me however I’d by no means select it straight.

I ate it and was left with nearly no impression. Like I barely have any reminiscence of consuming the apple. I do know I ate it. You possibly can watch me eat it right here. But it surely handed by means of me, like winter gentle by means of a clear window.

I’m to know that it is a Honeycrisp x Pink Girl cross, and I like each of these apples, however smash them collectively and also you get one thing lower than the person components, I assume.

This can be a straight-down-the-middle 4.5/10. My preliminary rating was a truly-median 5/10, however I really feel like, “I might eat this however by no means search it” drops it under that. It’s no matter. It’s superb. Meh.

Wild Twist: The wild twist is *fart noise*

Opinions in 2025: Honeycrisp, Sweetie, Crimson Crisp, Knobbed Russet, Cortland, Maiden’s Blush, Cox’s Orange Pippin, Reine des Reinettes, Ingrid Marie, Hudson’s Golden Gem, Holstein, Suncrisp, Ashmead’s Kernel, Opalescent, Orleans Reinette, Black Gilliflower, Purple Scrumptious Double Function, Jonathan, Ruby Mac, Crimson Topaz, Esopus Spitzenburg, Mutsu, Hunnyz, Winesap, Stayman Winesap, Winter Banana, Ribston Pippin, Rhode Island Greening, Roxbury Russet, Opal, Cosmic Crisp, Black Oxford, Ananas Reinette, Sugarbee, Granny Smith, LucyGlo/LucyRose, Ludacrisp, D’arcy Spice, Lemonade